I intended to write about statements made about the future and the question of whether they are true at the time spoken or true at the time the event finally happens, and the implications of each viewpoint.
However, I can't seem to complete a full thought without a memory invading my thoughts:
I'm 7 years old and have never known my parents to be married. They divorced when I was less than 1. It's the "other" weekend that I get to see my dad and I packed my backpack with clothes and barbies and crayons. I'm allowed to wait at the corner of the driveway because I'm so excited that I don't want to waste any time by having to walk out the door and down the steps to the driveway.
I'm standing at the corner and I'm so excited that I'm holding back tears. For the first time in my life I'm so happy that it makes me cry. I relate to the movies that I have seen that happen in.
An hour goes by. My mom comes out on the porch and tells me to come inside, that she doesn't think my dad is coming to get me today. I become super defensive, because I know he is coming to get me. I get mad at her and tell her I'm not going anywhere.
Another hour goes by. My mom comes out again, saying it's going to get dark soon. She wants me to come inside again. She says I can watch for him out the window. I still believe he is coming and that my mom just doesn't understand that even though he's late, he's still coming to get me. I'm definitely not coming inside now because he and I have already lost 2 hours together and once I see his car I'm going to jump in as fast as I can.
Another hour goes by and it's dark outside. For the first time in my life I feel a lump in my throat from trying to hold back tears. It hurts. I turn around and walk inside.
My dad never comes.
About Me
- Girl In A Tree
- I'm content in the fact that they don't expect respect, sex, love, or trust from me.
3 comments:
That's fucked up. Did you ever tell your dad about this years down the road; and if you did, did he apologize? Letting down a seven-year old like that is fucking messed up.
Man... reading that brought back some bad memories of when my parents let me down at a young age in similar situations. I'm past it though... are you? Have you forgiven your dad?
No, I never told him the ways he has hurt me. The life he's living now is more punishment than he deserves for anything he's ever done. The last thing I want to do is have him feel (more) guilty and have him worry about me. I tell him I'm perfect and okay, and that's all I will ever tell him. He really is a good man who made mistakes in the past that he's being inappropriately punished for. I'd give anything to be able to see him.
Yes yes, who are we to forgive anyways!!! Infact that reminds me what Nietzsche used to ask of always being able to forgive but never forgetting tho', as a trait of the strength! I have asked many a times in my life, - is that even possible, unless ofcourse maybe one is over such petty self-regard?
Sometimes I feel hurt is unavoidable in love & relationships, but who knows!
Yur line, "I can't seem to complete a full thought without a memory invading my thoughts" reminds me of this line by J. Krishnamurti, "Thought is a response of memory". What wud u say?
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